Not with a fizzle but with a BANG

So much news. Yet, the more I think about it, the less important it feels. (well, just some of it)

I have learned many new and important lessons as of late. The one standing out the most in my mind at the moment is in this life, we gain and we lose. It's a constant game of checks and balances. At least, it is for me. Allow me to share a few of my triumphant gains and devastating losses:

I got a brand-spanking new disease that I am SO loaded up on medication for! This super drug that's making life bearable causes my hands, feet, knees, elbows (basically any body part left in one position for more than three minutes (really, three minutes, i've timed it)) to tingle quite painfully for WAY longer than three more minutes. It makes soda taste like aluminum (or so i'm told. i don't actually drink the stuff). And will give me lots and lots of kidney stones if I don't drink water like a dying camel. Whoo!

I lost my dream of making Manhattan, New York my hometown for the summer. (definitely haven't given up hope on next summer though!) There have been a series of large and rather unfortunate events to show up on the doorstep of my life all at once, each one contributing in its own way to this particular loss. It's just not an option for me right now. Quite honestly, I can't decide what upsets me more: the fact that my plans came crashing down around me in a fiery ball of angry flames or that all the people who said they'd believe I'd actually make it out there when the plane touched down ended up being right...
Nope, that was a lie. I really, REALLY hate proving people right. That definitely takes the cake for bugging me the most.


I am most likely going to be losing the love of my life (or for the past year, at least) sometime this week. I may have to give up Caesar. I expected this to happen, everyone will disappoint me you sooner or later, I just didn't expect this to be so soon. I can't handle taking care of him anymore. It's killing me. (financially, anyways.) And to those of you who are judging me, well, quite frankly, you can all shove it. He was my first and will always hold a special place in my heart. My heart that will never be the same... Even if he was "just" a car. I knew I loved him more than my shoes, but this is WAY harder than throwing a pair of once fabulous heels away.

The silver lining in all of this is that with the loss of one love comes the beginning of a new one. As of last Tuesday, I'm an aunt! My big brother and his lovely wife had their first (who is also the first grandbaby of the family). He is one precious little guy! He's got big, bright blue eyes and the most adorable mohawk you will ever see. His sneezes just kill me every time, I don't think I've ever seen anything so funny! And he has this great little dimple on his forehead that shows up when he yawns. Everyone loves and fawns over him. Except for my 18 year old sister who is afraid of him and makes the greatest suspicious faces when she looks at him. Not that she doesn't love him, she just makes babies cry when she gets too close. Always. It's a gift and I tease her mercilessly about it.

I am losing my super great (awesome paying) job at the end of the week. Due to no fault of my own. The company is just getting rid of my team. Oh, and this is the second time this has happened to me within the past six months. Ha. I think I may have a curse... great news is I AM going to get my job back that I quit to move to New York. Bad news, I'm not getting it back until mid-August. I need to find a new place of employ lickety-split!

I got a cowboy hat! And, let me just say, it's freaking awesome. A couple of weekends ago, I went to my very first rodeo and I didn't want to stick out like a sore thumb. Ha, so I went with the poser route instead. I felt much better about that. And you know what siblings? I don't even care that you make fun of me for wearing my awesome hat around the house. I know that deep down, you're really just jealous. It's ok, I know what I'm getting you for Christmas, Chelsea... Also, you can continue to make fun of my country music as well (doesn't make me love it any less). And please, continue with the comments about the certain demise of my future that will come from hooking up with a rancher or farmer or whoever the joke's redneck-of-the-day is. I am definitely looking forward to meeting this person the Fates will choose for me who refers to the fifth grade as his "Senior Year" and wears belt buckles the size of dinner plates. If he's got horses and will let me get a really big dog, I'm cool with whatever. Oh, and supports my pearl addiction. And my shoes. Those are my only stipulations.

This is the story of my life. At times it may get boring, but when it's a party, it is a party! Times like these make me grateful for the gospel. I know if it wasn't in my life, I would be one crazy, raging alcoholic. Emphasis on the raging part... And really, one more thing to waste my money on is the last thing I need!


(news flash: i've reached a new rock bottom. i'm listening to ke$ha. 'nuff said.)

I live for that which cannot remain silent

"I am agog, I am aghast!
Is Marius in love at last?
I've never heard him 'ooh' and 'aah'.
You talk of battles to be won,
and here he comes like Don Juan;
it's better than an opera!

It is time for us all to decide who we are.
Do we fight for the right to a night at the opera now?
Have you asked of yourselves what's the price you might pay?
Is it simply a game for rich young boys to play?
The color of the world is changing day by day!"
--Grantaire and Enjolras; "ABC Cafe/Red and Black" from Les Miserables


First of all, I love musicals. Especially Les Miserables. Favorite book; favorite musical. And it just so happens this is my favorite song from said favorite musical. And they sing about operas! (even if it's only for about two seconds...) Though that's not why it's my favorite song; turns out I'm a sucker for guys who sing. And this song is chalk-full of them! I love it.

Thing is, I also love the opera. I'd fight for the right to a night at the opera now. (i wonder why the beastie boys don't sing about that too...hmmm...) Lucky for me, I don't have to fight for it.

I got to go see BYU's performance of Béatrice et Bénédict tonight. It's an opera based on Shakespeare's 'Much Ado About Nothing'. It was just lovely. The dialogue was in English and the singing was in French. There were, of course, English super-titles for those of us who don't speak French. I much appreciated these, because all of the best/funniest lines were in the songs. I would recommend going to see it, but tonight was the last showing...

I had little chat with my dear, dear friend who is oh-so-patiently waiting for me in New York about going tonight because I was in fact attending this event with her mother and sister. Ha. She was jealous, but according to her, the Met is going to have 36 different productions this season. So... we'll be busy just about every night. Oh, and add those to all the Broadway shows we'll be going to. This summer is looking pretty good from right here!

I do love a good opera. Or a good musical. Basically anything with good music. Music that can reach out and touch your soul, shake you to your very core. After all...


Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent.
--Victor Hugo

My preciousss...

Manhattan is calling to me.

Which, really, makes me feel a little bit like a crazy person because I've never actually been there. (oops, that was a secret...) Before you go passing judgement, you have to understand I hear stories and get pictures almost everyday about how great life is going to be once I finally get there. I need to get there!

(and when i do, i'm posting a picture of the view of the g.w. bridge that's right outside our apartment window, and then you can sympathize with me ha. if it makes you crazy, anyone is welcome to come visit!)

I'm alternating feeling really pissed off about this whole stupid IIH/PTC (for those of you who don't know what that stands for, that's idiosyncratic intracranial hypertension/pseudotumor cerebri. if you don't know what it is, google it.) episode because it has put my life on hold, but when I get tired of feeling angry, I am thankful.

Say what?

Yes, that's right. I am thankful. Not that it happened, mind you; just that it happened when it did.

I didn't know this at the time I had to call and cancel my flight, but the pressure building up in my head (which was causing my previously mis-diagnosed migraines) was putting immense pressure on my eyes and optic nerves. Ha. Which explains why my vision went crazy a few days later... Anyhoo, if I had climbed aboard the plane, when the cabin pressurized, my optic nerves would have ruptured from all the pressure and I would have gone blind.

Phew! Disaster averted; this is a plus in my book. I like being able to see, and I'd prefer to keep it that way for as long as possible. Plus, I'd imagine the whole rupturing optic nerves ordeal is downright painful. Cause, naturally, losing your sight needs some icing on the cake.

With all this waiting for my vision to stabilize, I'm also going to be here for the birth of my very first nephew. I cannot freaking wait! It's a little bit weird; I've never met this little guy and I already love him lots and lots! Maybe it's because he will be the first grandkid in our family and I've wanted a niece or nephew since I was like 5 and my best friend had them and I didn't. Ha.

Maybe it's cause I just love babies. Maybe it's cause he is going to be super smart and love peanut butter & jelly sandwiches (i had a dream about this, so it's for sure going to be true). Whatever the reason, he is super lucky cause his parents are pretty much awesome. I kind of love them too...

I was also able to see my best friend when she got back from being in Hawaii for school for 6 months. Had I left for New York when planned, I would have missed her by about a week. And she came home to put her mission papers in, so then I'd have had to wait ANOTHER year and a half to see her. Plus I've been able to be there for a couple of other friends when they needed me.

I see all of these as tender mercies provided to me by a loving Heavenly Father, and I am thankful for them and that He is so mindful of me. Especially since I don't feel like I deserve them at all at the moment.

I need to recommit myself to my New Year Resolution and recommit myself to being the very best person that I know how to be. To be a person who can feel grateful without also feeling guilty.

My wonderful friends and amazing family help me with this everyday. I am thankful for them as well. To all of you out there who read this, thank you. I have felt the difference your thoughts and prayers have made for me physically and spiritually these past few weeks. You are all examples to me and I look up to each and everyone of you and look to your examples.

(now i really want to say something creepy about watching you when you don't know it, but... i can't think of anything particularly witty at the moment. a side effect of this medication that's sucking me dry and keeping my spinal fluid in check... but you get the idea haha)

So much thanks.

I am one unbelievably lucky girl. Truly.