An epiphany

I came to a realization today. Would you like to know what it was? I shall tell you.

I am going to be poor forever. What a depressing thought.

Unless, of course, I'm able to marry a fabulously wealthy man. Ha. I once had a patient at work tell me that's the fastest money you'll ever make. The money you marry into. Great conversation and he had a point; that whole what's yours is mine thing is a fantastic concept.

I just have really expensive taste. I can't help it. It's a gift and a curse. On one hand, when I'm picking out something for another person for their birthday or Christmas or even for just because I know they'll like it. This is the gift part. Actually, I take that back. It's a curse as well; I have far less of a problem with spending my money on other people than on myself.

Someone please explain this to me.

To date, my most expensive habit is MAC make-up. The stuff really is fantastic. And I didn't even know it existed until April 2010. Thank you, Annie for introducing us. The greatest love affair of this century. I'm not going to admit how much I've spent there since April, but it's a lot. A lot.

Thank you to brother and sister-in-law (mostly sister-in-law) who decided to challenge me to stay away from MAC for 3 months starting January 1. I can totally do this, but it is OH SO painful. Especially with the line they launched on the 6th. They took all the colors in a peacock feather and turned it into make-up. You would die if you saw it. So gorgeous.

Shoes would be next on the list of things I spend too much money on. Followed closely by glasses. My 11 pairs of glasses. Uh huh. This is a problem.

Good thing that's the first step...

I need to find some other ways to relieve stress, cause this is just too pricey. My poor wallet needs a break and I have a surgery to save for.

I also want to be able to move out at some point in the not too distant future...

Wahoo!

What a wonderful, wonderful day today has been. I got amazing news that will forever change my life. Everything is falling into place and I feel very blessed.

Today, my insurance approved the surgery I have wanted to have done for a long time. They approved it in a way that opens up many more windows than originally expected. And it only took 2 days! I had the consultation with the surgeon Thursday of last week, and the call came in that it was authorized this morning. So amazing.

I cannot wait for February 2nd! That's the big day.

And while I am in bed recovering for two weeks afterwards, I shall share the story of how this all came to be.

Basically, the story of my life.

If music be the food of love, play on

I tire of feeling tears on my cheeks. I wish I was one of those people with the amazing ability to just disconnect and not care about other people.

To care is only human, I suppose.
I don't like it.

This past week, I've been reminded of this. At first by someone else, then again and again by myself. In my despair, I cursed something most precious. Love.

Then I felt guilty. I don't enjoy feeling bitter. Holding grudges is like pouring lemon juice into a fresh paper cut. Idiotic and painful.

So to make myself feel better, I turned to a favorite author of mine. Nothing cures the soul so well as the words of Victor Hugo. I didn't feel quite so bad about myself after reading this passage: "How sad is the soul, when it is sad through love!"

Oh boy, is he right. I don't think there is any ache or pain quite like that caused by love. It cuts right down to your soul and envelops your mind. Well, at least that's what it does to me.

As I kept reading, I came across yet another passage. "I met in the street a very poor young man who was in love. His hat was old, his coat worn, his cloak was out at the elbows, the water passed through his shoes, and the stars through his soul."

I decided this is what I wanted to emulate. I don't want to drown in my pain, I want to love others so much that the stars shine through my soul, and if this just means I will be subjected to more pain in the future, so be it.

In the words of yet another hero of mine, "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave."

Thank you Gandhi. I couldn't have said it better myself.



I am determined to be brave.

Wishful dreaming

I just want to go to Ireland.


That is all

Allow me a soapbox for a small moment

I hate unpleasant surprises. They're unsettling and put me on edge.

They give me knots in my stomach and make me nauseous.

They make it hard for me to focus on anything and I become most unproductive.

Most of all, I hate that the people who provide these unpleasant surprises typically know exactly what they're doing to me.

Jerks.


On the other hand, I love a good book.

A book that makes you want to promptly forget it once you're finished, just so you can read it all over again and each page is yet another surprise.

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society.

I highly recommend it.


See? I said it would be small.

This year shall be different. Better.

I have decided to make no 'New Year Resolutions' at this start of a new year. I have very few reasons for this, but I feel they are significant enough to heed.

First of all, I never write them on my mirror where I can see them everyday as you're supposed to. In past years I have typically begun the new year with a journal entry containing my resolutions (one of which is always the journal thing, ironically enough). As you can imagine, this is monumentally successful. Using the information you have gleaned from my previous post, I'm sure you can imagine why. For those of you who need me to give you the answer, it is as follows. Because I'm in my journal so very, very often, you see.

My second reason for not challenging myself with resolutions is this: I really don't feel as though resolutions are challenging enough. They don't make the difference I need them to. Now, I understand it could be said that this is my own dang fault. Yes, that is true; however, allow me to explain myself a wee bit further. But first, understand that this is very specific to myself.

I need something more encompassing than just a few resolutions to make me a better person. This is ultimately the goal of these resolutions, is it not? To make yourself better. Looking back at previous attempts at resolutions I have made for myself, there are always the pretty generic entries. The resolutions that everybody and their dog make. Resolutions about school and education, fitness, social lives, balancing responsibility, family and friends, etc...

I feel like to really become a better person, to cover all my bases, my list of resolutions would be quite long and I'm sure I would forget about the really important stuff. I don't know about you, but a list with a million things I need to work on to be better would be quite depressing.

Instead, this year I have chosen a theme. Or motto. I don't really know what to call it right now. My mind went blank... Anyhoo, this way, there is one thing on my list and I can apply it to everything I do. I feel good about this.

My theme this new year is based on a BYU Devotional given by Elder Holland in January 2009. I have heard it referenced in many situations pertinent to myself within the last few months. I don't feel that this is a coincidence. The talk is entitled Remember Lot's Wife. It is all about not looking back. Moving forward with confidence. For those of you interested, here's a link:
The talk

I need to do this. To not let my past define who I am, but to learn from mistakes I have made and become the best person I can be.

Needless to say, I am excited for this new year. To see where life takes me.

I do love a good adventure and I am determined to make this year one of epic proportions.